«Свекровь не дает нам с мужем заниматься сексом»: личная история и комментарий психолога

Living with a Mother-in-law: A Story of Struggle

On the English-speaking forum Reddit, a post by a Spanish woman under the username @throwra_10888 went viral. In the post, she shared how living with her mother-in-law, who had lost her husband, almost destroyed her own marriage.

The woman got married a year ago and immediately moved into her husband's apartment after the wedding - previously the couple lived separately. Two months later, a tragedy struck the young man's family - his father passed away. "Left alone, the mother-in-law suggested that we move to her house so she wouldn't be lonely," the woman shared. "We couldn't do it: she lived in a different state, and we couldn't just quit our jobs and studies. So, she moved into our two-bedroom apartment: the mother-in-law lived in one room, and we lived in the other."

According to the bride, her mother-in-law was one of "those mothers who think no woman is good enough for her son." She showed her disapproval in unusual ways - for example, by interrupting the couple's intimacy. "Whenever I was intimate with my husband, my mother-in-law would magically 'interrupt' us. It didn't matter what time it was: she could get up at three in the morning, knock on our door, and ask, 'What are you doing in there?' Or simply distract my husband and tell him that she was feeling unwell because of a headache and more," the woman explained.

Mother-in-law lived with the newlyweds for seven months

During this time, she not only interfered with their intimate life but also regularly criticized the bride for any actions, including her cooking. The husband sometimes tried to take his mother's side, but it didn't have much effect. The final straw was an accusation of theft: the mother-in-law claimed that the bride stole documents and money from her, even though she wasn't home that day.

Unable to bear such humiliation, the woman told her husband that she could no longer live in the same house as his mother. "I said that this was not what I expected. I agreed to let her live with us because my father-in-law passed away, and I sympathized with her and her pain, but I will not allow myself to be called a thief," she said. For some time, she lived with her own parents, then, when the husband finally "kicked" his mother out of the house, she returned to him. Now, everything is calm for the couple, and the husband later admitted that he was glad his mother left, as he was also tired of living with her in the same apartment.

Why Mothers-in-law are Not Liked by Daughters-in-law

Christina Paul, Psychologist

Jokes and stereotypes about the difficulties in the relationship between sons-in-law and mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law are not uncommon, as well as stories of unsuccessful relationships between these relatives. Conflicts between spouses and their parents can occur from both sides equally. Speaking in the language of systemic family therapy, the factors leading to such conflicts are not specific family ties (mother-in-law, mother, daughter-in-law), but disruptions in the functioning of the family system as a whole.

Here are some reasons for difficulties in relationships:

1. Blurred boundaries of the family system

When young people get married, they create their own family with their own rules, called the nuclear family. The young family sets comfortable boundaries: where they live - with parents or separately, whether they can be visited by parents by agreement or without notice, how often, and so on. It is not easy to resist relatives who are used to living in their own way.

The situation becomes more complicated when the nuclear family lives on the same territory as the parents. And it doesn't matter whose relatives they are, but the fact that it is difficult for the newlyweds to establish their own boundaries, sometimes they are forced to live not by their own rules or feel an intrusion into their personal space.

2. Role inversion within the family system

Another common reason for such conflicts is the violation of roles within the family system. For example, when a mother sees her son not only as a son but also as a "main man," "protector," "provider." Thus, she places functional responsibilities on him not as a son but as a husband and competes with the daughter-in-law. The husband, in turn, may also feel the full responsibility for his mother, which hinders him from building relationships within his own family.

3. Lack of separation and dysfunctional coalitions

If the process of separation of parents from the child is not completed, it can also affect the relationship between the nuclear family and the parental family. When a mother constantly feels a connection with her child, she tries to actively involve him in her life. This can also lead to the formation of dysfunctional "coalitions" - for example, when the mother-in-law and husband unite in controversial issues because it is difficult for the husband to resist his mother. In this case, the wife may feel unnecessary, and the boundaries of the nuclear family are not protected by anyone.

4. Rigidity of the family system

When young people get married, new members appear in the family system, which naturally leads to changes in its structure. A functional family is able to adapt to any changes in external and intra-family situations, successfully go through crises, and come up with new rules. If the family is rigid, it is characterized by a low ability to change and adapt to new conditions.

The listed aspects can lead to tension and dysfunction within the family and conflicts between its members. What to do in such a situation? Family therapy can help cope with such situations, not only for spouses but also for the extended family.

To deal with tension and establish rules within the family independently, it is essential to pay attention to proper communication between its members. Everyone should use "I-messages" when talking about their own feelings, without blaming others, and direct communication when stating needs and requirements directly. It is also important to learn to listen and hear others so that everyone feels significant within the family.