Секс без обязательств: большой разбор с психологами — изучите все плюсы и минусы

"Die, but do not kiss without love!" - a phrase that has become winged, many remember from their school program. This is what Vera Pavlovna, the heroine of the novel "What Is to Be Done?", says to the "street woman" Frenchwoman Julie, who suddenly experienced a kiss with "pure lips." The idea of intimacy "only out of love" is still alive, and although a century and a half has passed since Nikolai Chernyshevsky, and a sexual revolution has taken place, not everyone dares to admit that they want sex. Why?

Dirty or clean

"Modern European culture, including in Russia, despite the Soviet atheistic period, largely relies on religious dogmas, according to which sex was considered dirty and immoral and was allowed only in marriage and only for procreation," reflects psychologist and sexology teacher Natalia Oshemkova.

- A few centuries ago, parents, giving their children in marriage, did not ask them about their feelings at all. Lovers tried to follow their feelings, but the world did not allow them," - this is how Romeo and Juliet appeared. And now we can take better care of ourselves and make choices based on our feelings."

The attitude towards sex as an activity that needs justification has not completely disappeared

Love has become a necessary condition for sex, just like for marriage. For a while, it turned into a new sanctuary that redeems and purifies desires. In the new millennium, in big cities of civilized countries, there are more and more singles (after all, a partner is no longer needed for survival), many start to view sex as pleasure that can be enjoyed without any conditions.

This is exactly how 42-year-old Kira sees it: "After my divorce, I have been finding men on a dating site for five years. I immediately indicate that I am only interested in sex in its pure form. Both parties are fine with this. Why complicate things? I earn good money, have an apartment, my children have grown up, I have friends, and I am not ready to burden myself with a new family. Some relationships last no more than a week, some last for several months. I am not interested in whether they have wives, children, dogs, work. We are adults, busy people and clearly specify the time of our meetings. If someone doesn't show up - next."

For some, sex without attachment is part of a established way of life. And for others, it is an exciting and unexpected adventure. 38-year-old Valentina admits that she cannot explain what came over her.

"I was on a train, and in the compartment with me there were three other people, including a young man. We barely talked, but I felt his eyes on me. And I was attracted to him. And when the lights went out, we suddenly found ourselves together on my lower bunk. The other passengers pretended not to hear anything. In the morning, we casually got off at the platform and never saw each other again, I don't even know his name. Was I ashamed after that? Not at all. You can only dream of such a vivid sex!" - she shares.

Hoping for something more

During sex, several hormones are produced that bring satisfaction - dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, immunity is stimulated. Sex is one of the powerful tools for emotional discharge, just like crying and laughter, and an excellent prevention of cardiovascular diseases.

"But the power of social norms, alas, is great," laments body-oriented therapist Alexey Yezhkov. "We see someone and get excited, but suddenly get scared of our impulse, block it, and wait for a bright feeling to allow ourselves to end up in bed with the object of desire. Most likely, this 'bright feeling' will be somewhat artificial: we will invent a certain image to fall in love with, and after the first wedding night, it turns out that we and our partner do not match."

Therefore, the sooner we allow ourselves to experience the partner in action, the better - and who knows, maybe "just sex" will turn into a serious union.

Although not everyone needs long-lasting stable relationships. "Yes, we are social animals, and close ties are important to us. But if we already have a good social circle - friends, colleagues, relatives - then a life partner is not necessary," adds Natalia Oshemkova. "We can have great sex, but at the same time live in different apartments, vacation in different places, have different values. And this will not interfere with our sex life. But for deeper relationships, differences in values can be crucial."

Some people see others as sexual partners, but never as future fathers or mothers of their children. When entering into relationships, we cannot always predict with confidence what feelings will arise. Sometimes we have to adjust on the fly.

"I tried to have 'just sex' with a married man," says 34-year-old Tatiana, "but after a while, I realized that I was starting to get involved in something more serious. He was honest with me from the very beginning - he warned me that he had a family and did not intend to break it up. I initiated the breakup so as not to fall in love completely."

Bedroom etiquette

There is an idea: when you love someone, you only want to have sex with them. There is the opposite: routine suppresses sexuality, and "a good deed is not called marriage."

"Both are right," Natalia Oshemkova is convinced. "For some, sexual desire is closely linked to safety. As psychological intimacy grows, the quality of sex will improve. It is easier for them to open up, relax. And there are those for whom sex is associated with novelty, surprise, unexpectedness, admiration. For them, long-term relationships are associated with a decrease in attraction, and they are more likely to seek sexual adventures outside the couple."

However, safety and the duration of relationships are not always directly related. Alexey Yezhkov talks about a paradox: "In a long-term union, there may be less security and, strangely enough, more shame and other complex feelings. The deeper the contact, the more difficult it is for some of us to admit our desires, fantasies.

We are afraid that the dear person will reject us, not accept us, and we prefer to remain silent. If unspoken words accumulate, sometimes one or both partners will seek satisfaction outside the couple. And if partners can openly discuss intimate issues, engage in heartfelt communication, as it is called in body-oriented psychotherapy, then sex will become deeper and more fulfilling emotionally and physically."

And yet, satisfying each other, even with all the trust and openness, is not always possible.

"Someone may like BDSM practices, while another partner categorically does not," gives an example Natalia Oshemkova. "Or one person may require sexual intercourse twice a day, while another is satisfied with once every two weeks. People come together not only based on sexual desire, they want to stay together for different reasons.

If partners agree that physical contact on the side is possible, but under certain conditions (for example, observing safe sex practices - barrier contraception, or doing it anywhere but not in the shared apartment), then it will not be considered cheating. If their views change over time, agreements can be renegotiated.

Polyamorous relationships (when one partner may have multiple partners), open partnerships (there is a main couple, but each has sex on the side) are becoming more common. The fundamental difference with cheating is that all participants are aware of what they signed up for. Only then can we talk about ethical sex.

This is the kind of contract that temperamental 32-year-old Andrey made with his wife, who was perfectly content with sex once a month: "When we honestly admitted that we have different sexual appetites, we agreed that I would find a partner, but all meetings would take place outside the apartment and in a way that would not affect our family time and health. All three of us know about each other. And in my opinion, this is more honest than lying and hiding."

Soul and body

When we talk about sex without love, we usually mean sex outside of marriage. But let's ask ourselves: when married, do we only have sex when we feel love?

"It would be good if we all engaged in sex for erotic reasons," says Natalia Oshemkova. "But in many couples, sex is often done out of marital duty. One partner is afraid that if they do not agree to intimacy, they will be rejected or deprived of some benefits, or even kicked out onto the street. And here we are not talking about sex without love, but about sex without desire, out of fear. In fact, one partner is committing violence against the other, without even realizing it, - after all, the other party formally agreed!

And this affects the psyche of the one who experiences this (self-) coercion. What happens? I do not want sex, even if arousal appears, I engage in it against my true desire. My body does not receive positive reinforcement. Trauma can occur, and any touch in the future will become a frightening stimulus. In Australia, where prostitution is legalized, according to psychologists, sex workers have a higher rate of post-traumatic stress disorders than combat veterans."

In such situations, the psyche is saved by splitting body sensations and feelings

Some of us prefer sex without commitments because they are afraid to delve into their own emotions and engage in deep contact. "Why do they often change partners?" Alexey Yezhkov asks. And he answers: "Because of difficulties in understanding the other, their inner world." But is it not dangerous to separate the body and feelings, are we not deceiving ourselves when we sort intimacy into physical and emotional?

"In culture, there is a separation into 'mechanics' and feelings," explains body-oriented therapist. "But if we often practice sex only for the sake of sex, disconnecting the soul, this split will worsen.

Clients come to me who say, 'I don't feel anything below the waist.' Or conversely, 'I don't feel any emotions.' And it bothers them. This happens due to some traumatic childhood experiences or upbringing peculiarities: 'sex without love' can evoke feelings of guilt, or we love so much that we are afraid to add 'indecent' physical contact to our romantic feelings."

But if we manage to combine heartfulness and sexuality, both spheres become richer and more fulfilling.